My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
