I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
