we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
