Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
