I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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