someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
