I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
