If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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