Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
