I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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