you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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