he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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