I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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