He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
