The maid of honor just puked.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
