I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
