Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
