I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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