I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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