He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
