You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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