i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
