The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
