Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
