hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
