Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
