The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
