you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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