This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
