Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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