I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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