I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
