it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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