I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will pee on everything he values.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
