1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
