Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Randomize
