I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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