When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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