You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she smelled like a LAN party
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
