I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
