I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
