I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
