when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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