I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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