She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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