what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
