Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
