The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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