I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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