It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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