My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
