break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
