i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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