You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
