She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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