god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
