He told me they were just razor bumps!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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