also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
