Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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